Interviewer: Please answer first, Mr. President, the question in which all of America is most interested – “Were you born in the United States of parents who were natural-born citizens, as required by The U.S. Constitution?”
The President: Well, that certainly is a good question. However, the answer depends upon your definition of “born in the United States.” You see, and I want to make this perfectly clear, I believe in the Walt Disney philosophy of “…a wish is a dream your heart makes.” As a young lad in Kenya, I wished to be in the United States so, in a sense, my heart always has been here and, ipso facto, it figures the rest of me was here, too. Plus, I imagine my parents made the same wish so, therefore, we all are natural-born citizens of the United States.
Interviewer: I see. Thank you for that answer, Mr. President.
The President: Oh, and to ensure there are no misunderstandings, I have provided my birth certificate and Social Security number to the “Mainstream Media,” both of which they immediately accepted and verified.
Interviewer: But, Mr. President, aren’t there some people who are challenging these documents as forgeries.
The President: Well, again, it depends on your definition of “forgery.” Once more, applying the Walt Disney philosophy, we easily can wish that troublesome fact away.
Interviewer: Very well, Mr. President. Now then, can we focus on your background as an All-American boy growing up in the United States. What is your educational background?
The President: I’m happy to respond to this question, because my educational background, just like the rest of my entire life to date, is absolutely superb. And, by the way, you don’t use the term “boy” when referring to African Americans because it harkens back to the Jim Crow and Uncle Tom days I discussed in my wonderful ghost-written book, “Fantasies Of My Father.” Anyway, I digress. Yes, I was most fortunate, and graduated from Harvard and Columbia Universities with the highest honors and accolades possible for an African American to achieve.
Interviewer: What were some of your accomplishments at these prestigious institutions?
The President: I was president of all the class years I attended both colleges – which stands as yet another qualification for my earning the office I hold today. Additionally, I edited the Law Journals, received letters in basketball, football, and debate, and escorted the Homecoming Queen four years in a row. In fact, I married her after we graduated!
Interviewer: Why is it not a single person from either of those institutions of higher learning admits to knowing you in classes, organizations, or events, and no records or documents are available to show you attended classes, edited the law journals, or even had your class photo taken for yearbooks?
The President: I can only attribute that to my humility in wanting to maintain a low profile and not promote my good looks, superhuman accomplishments, and overall superior standing amongst everyday ordinary mortals. With this in mind, I forbade having photographs of me taken, asked my professors to destroy my academic records after I “aced” their classes, and used pseudonyms on the exquisite documents I created; cleverly signing off as “Barry Hemmingway.”
Interviewer: Moving on, Mr. President, I see another of your qualifications for the highest office in the United States Government is as a “community organizer.” How did you perform this duty?
The President: Well, first and foremost, I demonstrated my expertise at first organizing people: Which I did by age, religion, sex, size, and color. Once I had them grouped in this manner, it was an easy task to get them to work together for a common cause, or work against each other when desirable. For example, by using the Mainstream Media to play up anything that negatively impacted the minority groups – and ignore any majority group accomplishments – I was able to create strife, anger, resentment, and hostility at the neighborhood level. And, once you have the ‘hoods agitated, you have organized the community.
Interviewer: Very good, Mr. President. Now then, there are those who question your patriotism, because you do not wear a flag lapel pin, salute the flag as you should, appreciate the “The National Anthem,” or address the various veterans’ or military groups.
The President: There’s a good reason for my actions here. I am a peaceful person, and the activities you mention are associated with conflict. That’s why I received the Nobel Peace Prize! I believe the flag of the United States really should be a “patchwork quilt” of the flags of all the countries throughout the World. I mean, if we’re to be the “police force” for the World, we should show the World’s colors, for which I think the various countries around the globe would respect us. Also, our National Anthem is too focused on war. I mean, “bombs bursting in air” and “rockets red glare!” Why couldn’t it be younger in spirit; relate more to today’s youth, as opposed to the times of our Founding Fathers? I think our National Anthem should be more Hip-Hop!
Interviewer: I’m glad you brought that up, Mr. President. There also are those who say you do not appreciate The Constitution our Founding Fathers developed.
The President: Oh, I don’t dislike it…I just think it has outlived its useful purpose. After all, it was written and signed by a couple hundred people more than 200 years ago. Like the National Anthem, it’s not in tune with the times. It doesn’t address food stamps, health care, environmental pollution, the Internet, Global Warming, the plight of illegal aliens – whom I prefer to call “undocumented Democrats” – or even the high calorie and fat content of the foods fed to our children in public schools. Yes, the document needs to be updated, and if I have my way, the various courts will bring The Constitution into the 21st Century. In fact, I’m thinking of issuing an Executive Order to do that very thing, and model our document after that of France, Greece, or Italy.
Interviewer: Thank you, Mr. President, for your time and opinions. I wish you the best of luck in getting the American public to support your ideas for changing America. Do you feel you will be successful and re-elected?
The President: Insha’Allah!
Interviewer: I beg your pardon?
The President: I mean, God willing! Thank you for letting me express my goals for implementing what is required to turn this country around. If we can come together as a caliphate, or rather, country, and adopt a more social approach to assisting our global brethren – Muslims and Christians alike – this will be a much more tolerable country, and one in which my wife might be more proud.
Interviewer: Thank you, sir!